A Rude Awakening

At 7:00 this morning, the ringing of my doorbell rustled me from a rare moment of sound sleep. Fearing it might be my building's maintenance men--who often come unnanounced at odd hours to perform various tasks (and act annoyed when you're at home)--I jumped out of bed, put on a pair of pants and a t-shirt (my "Don't mess with me, I'm disgruntled" shirt), and opened the door to see who it was. Barely able to open my eyes and sans glasses, I couldn't quite figure out who it was until I heard, in a cigarette-raspy grandmotherly voice "Did I wake you up?" Alas, it was my cranky old spinster neighbor from down the hall. "No," I replied. "I was just preparing for a self administered high-colonic. What can I do for you."* Silent for a moment, presumably ingesting my response, she then started to laugh uncontrollably, until foam appeared in the corners of her mouth and she keeled over onto the floor, gasping violently for air. "Jesus," I exclaimed. "Somebody call a doctor!" As the words left my mouth, however, I realized that there was no one around to hear my desperate plea. And knowing that the seemingly innocent but secretly slutty tall girl from across the hall most likely would have already left for work, I feared I would have no choice but to perform mouth-to-mouth on the aged beast.

As I took a deep breathe and bent forward to perform CPR, my neighbor quickly opened her eyes, smiled, and said "Hah!! I got you!!" Confused, I backed away as she stood up and began to move closer to me, her wrinkly and crooked old fingers outstretched and inching towards my crotch. I continued moving backwards, back into my apartment, but with every step I took, she came closer and closer. Entering my aparment after me with a look of idiotic glee on her face, she exclaimed "I hope you voted last week, honey. It's your civic duty, you know." As the front door closed back upon itself, I fell onto my bed to escape the forward charge of this venomous creature. Backed into the corner of my shoebox of an apartment by the old witch, I realized I didn't have a prayer. She was going to have her way with me whether I liked it or not. I might as well just go with it, I decided.

She fervently unzipped my fly and pulled my jeans and boxers to my knees. And with a hot breathe that reeked of death, she took my flacid penis in her mouth and began to feverishly suck on it, like a cherry lollipop from the barbershop. But alas, I couldn't get hard. With a face like Joe Torre and a body like Kirstey Alley after a marshmallow convention in Tijuana, she just wasn't doing it for me. After a few minutes, the old bag ran out of saliva and her dentures fell out of her mouth, causing me to throw up on her head and on my feet. Looking up at me, she wrapped her hands around her neck, inaudibly uttering "Play it again, Sam." And with that, she jerked her hands quickly to the side, snapping her osterperosis infested neck like it was a Wheatables cracker. She died like that, instantly, on my unmade bed in my studio apartment.

I stood in shock for what must've been 1o minutes, staring at her lifeless old body laying listless on my bed. After the initial shock wore off, I did what any good and rational New Yorker would do--I had unprotected sex with her twice, chopped her body up in my bathtub with a hacksaw, poured acid over her remains to soften the bone, put her mangled appendages in a bag, rode my bike downtown, and burnt what was left of her in a flaming trash can in a vacant lot under the Manhattan bridge. I thought about just dumping her body in the East River, but ultimately decided that would be SO cliche. Then, using her keys, I broke into her apartment, raided her refrigerator (she only had strawberry yogurt though, which was dissapointing) and stole her clockradio, and then went to work. When I get home tonight, I plan to loot her closet and maybe even ransack her unmentionables drawer.

Ok, so none of this actually happened. Well that's not true. My neighbor DID wake me up this morning, but only to help her get her new cat into the carrying cage so she could take it to the vet. Which I did, begrudgingly because I really was having a good night's sleep. And though I did want to kick her cats around a bit (I don't really like cats), never did any though enter my mind about fucking her and then killing her, or killing her and then fucking her. That is just sick. Who would even think up such things?

My imagination is just running a little wild today. Believe me, I'm not as twisted and perverse as this story would indicate. Hey, it's better than rambling on and on about politics all the time, right?


*In reality, I just said "Yes."