"Behrooz to Meet You," Scene 1

If you don’t watch the tv show “24” (Monday nights on Fox), you may have a bit of trouble following this next bit. Below is the first scene of the pilot teleplay for a sitcom spun-off from “24,” entitled "Behrooz to Meet You." (I've only posted the first scene so far because the entire thing would just take up too much space. Instead, I will post the scenes individually). The show stars the Arraz family, which consists of Behrooz Arraz, a 16 year old male, and Nabih and Dena Arraz, Behrooz’s parents--who both died on “24” (Nabih “martyred” himself, and Dena was killed by other terrorists) but are miraculously (and inexplicably) brought back to life for purposes of the sitcom.

Here’s a little background on the Arraz family for you non-“24” watching heathens*. Nabih and Dena Arraz were part of a Muslim terrorist cell who arranged for the kidnapping of the US Secretary of Defense. They had been living in the US with their son, Behrooz, under false pretenses, but were really here solely to carry out the terrorist plot. When it came time to conduct their mission, they enlisted Behrooz to do a bit of the dirty work. When Behrooz’s teenage girlfriend followed him, his father decided she was a liability, and ordered the 16 year old Behrooz to kill her. Of course, Behrooz couldn’t do it, so his mother secretly poisoned her, so she would die without the father knowing Behrooz hadn’t the gall to kill her. In later episodes, Nabih arranged to have Behrooz killed, but Dena intervened, saving Behrooz, but getting shot in the arm in the process. Nabih ultimately “martyred” himself for “the cause,” and Dena was ordered executed by the head of the operation, Habib Marwan, a mean, bald son-of-a-bitch.

I love how “son-of-a-bitch” is all hyphenated, except it is a pain-in-the-ass to type.

The sitcom spin-off, of course, is much more lighthearted. In it, every week, for different reasons, Behrooz's parents attempt to get Behrooz to kill a different person--his girlfriend, his math teacher, Edgar the Milkman, the plumber, a clown from the Circus--and each week, Behrooz can't decide what to do--take the life of an innocent person, or risk being sent to bed without dessert. Weekly guests include Marwan Habib as Nabih's boss at the glue factory, Jack Bauer as Behrooz's pedophile mentor from 4-H, and Edgar Stiles as the semi-retarded milkman. Hilarity ensues.

Below is the teleplay for the first scene of the pilot episode:

Characters:

Behrooz Arraz: main character, the 16 year old son of muslim terrorists
Nabih Arraz: Behrooz's hot-headed father, a muslim jihadist devoted to "the cause"
Dena Arraz: Behrooz's mother, also a muslim jihadist devoted to "the cause," but can also bake a mean shortcake.
Edgar the Milkman Stiles: semi-retarded milkman with a lisp
Coach Stevens: Behrooz's track coach, a husky, burly man of Swedish descent
Jack Bauer: Behrooz's mentor from the 4-H club, secretly an undercover CTU (counter-terrorism unit) agent, as well as a closeted pedophile.

Scene One

Fade In

The Arraz Family Kitchen, morning.

Dena is cooking breakfast, and Nabih is reading the new issue of “Guns and Ammo” magazine while eating a glazed krueller. Behrooz enters the room, fresh out of bed.

Behrooz: Good morning father. Good morning mother.

Nabih and Dena: Good morning, Behrooz.

Dena: How would you like your falafel, Behrooz?

Behrooz: Scrambled is fine, mother.

Nabih: Behrooz, I understand you have your big track meet this afternoon. Has coach Stevens decided whether to let you run the anchor leg of the 4 by 400 relay?

Behrooz: I don’t know, father, but I doubt it will happen. Timmy Goldfarb is the fastest boy on the team. He really should be the one to run the anchor-leg.

Nabih: Damnit, Behrooz! Timmy Goldfarb is an infidel jew! He has horns, and cannot do anything better than you!! I think I need to have a little talk with Coach Stevens, make him understand how things will be.

Behrooz: Father, that really isn’t necessary. I’m very happy running the third leg. It’s a very important leg, you know.

Nabih: On Ayattolah Kuhmeni’s grave, I swear my son will not be relegated to the third leg!! Stevens will listen to me, and do as I say, or I will declare Jihad!!

Dena: Oh Nabih! You can’t declare Jihad every time something happens that you don’t like.

Nabih: What are you talking about, woman? I only declare Jihad when authorized by the Koran, when absolutely necessary!

Dena: What about the time you declared Jihad when Edgar the Milkman accidentally continued to deliver cheese when you asked him to stop?

Nabih: I was expressly allowed to do so by the Koran!! Edgar refused to listen when I quoted Cleric Muhabi’s diatribe on the evils of American lactose products, and continued to deliver it when I told him not to. I had no choice! His family HAD to die!

Dena: Oh Nabih! It was an accident. You know that Edgar has a hard time remembering things sometimes. (in a low whisper) I think he is retarded. Besides, it wasn’t American cheese. It was Havarti.

Behrooz: I like Havarti.

(Nabih and Dena both turn to Behrooz with anger, and simultaneously yell …)

Nabih and Dena: Behrooz!

(Dejected, Behrooz slinks into the corner)

Nabih: Enough! I’ve heard enough. Edgar will not deliver any more cheese, and Behrooz WILL run the anchor leg. Now bring me another krueller!!

(canned laughter)

(Dena goes to the counter to bring Nabih a krueller, and Behrooz opens up the newspaper. Edgar the Milkman Stiles walks up to the back door, and rings the doorbell.)

Edgar the Milkman:(with a semi-retarded lisp) Hi, this is Edgar Stiles!

Nabih: Yes, we know who you are, fool! Bring us our milk and be gone!!

(Dena shoots a glance at Nabih, who smirks and returns to his article on urban assault weapons.)

Dena: Hello Edgar. Pay Nabih no mind. He has his semi-annual review with Mr. Marwan today at the glue factory, and is a little nervous.

Nabih: Death to the infidels!!

Dena: See what I mean.

Edgar: Hi, this is Edgar Stiles.

Nabih: (looking up) Yes, we know that already!

Edgar: Oh, well, I have your skim milk and cheese for the week. Here you go, Mrs. Arraz.

Dena: Why thank you, Edgar. You are so sweet!

(Nabih jumps out of his chair and approaches Edgar, waving his fists. Behrooz stands in the background, watching intently.)

Nabih: I told you, I will no longer accept or pay for this cheese!!

Edgar: I’m sorry, Mr. Arraz, I … I forgot. It won’t happen again.

Nabih:It better not, or I will force Behrooz to thrash you!

Behrooz: Father, no! Not Edgar!

Nabih: Silence, Behrooz. Leave us and go take your ritualistic prayer bath before I drive you to your American school . . . And no more talking to that girlfriend of yours, Kelly. She is a trashy slut, and we do not approve of her heathen lifestyle.

Behrooz: (angrily) You don’t like anyone who isn’t muslim! Kelly is a great girl, and her grandfather was an SS officer. They hate jews more than we do. But you don’t care!!!

(Behrooz runs out of the room angrily.)

Edgar: Will there be anything else, Mr. and Mrs. Arraz?

Dena: No Edgar, I think we’re fine, thanks.

Nabih: Did you get me the 12 ounces of C-4 and 4 blocks of semtek I asked for?

Edgar: I’m sorry sir, we only stock cow products. We don’t carry plastic explosives.

Nabih: What good are you, then?

(canned laughter)

(Dena shoots Nabih another disapproving look, and Nabih turns back to his magazine and krueller)

Edgar: Ok Mr. and Mrs. Arraz, see you next week with some more milk. Take care!

Nabih: Be gone then!

Dena: Thank you, Edgar!!

Edgar: Bye Bye!

Nabih: Be gone already, white devil!!

Dena: Oh Nabih!!!

(Canned laughter plays into commercial.)

[Here's a sneak preview of Scene 2. In it, while driving him to his "American" school, Nabih tells Behrooz that he will have to kill Edgar, and then Nabih meets with Coach Stevens. Later, Nabih is balled-out by Habib Marwan, his boss at the glue factory, for miscalculating the number of horse-hooves required to meet the month's glue quota.]



*although after tonight, there is no question in my mind that “Lost” is the best show on tv right now.