Pun Very Intended

Can you get in trouble for sexually harrassing a cold solicitation caller? I don't know the answer to this, but if you can, I expect to be served with process any moment now.

This afternoon, I got a cold-call from one of these financial advisor type people. I get cold-calls from these people all the time, because they figure that I--an associate at a large NYC law firm--have significant assets that need to be managed. Clearly they are unaware of my bank-breaking alcohol and drug dependies, and my ever-growing Lord of the Rings Action Figure collection,* because they still bother to solicit my non-existent business at least 3 times a week. These calls are nothing but a nuisance--I'm a busy guy at work (as you probably can tell), and have little time to talk on the phone with these people (who always call from the same company--can't they get organized?) about life insurance and other rip-off financial products. Usually when they call, I tell them one of three lies: (a) that I'm just too busy to talk**, (b) that my brother-in law is my financial advisor***, or (c) that I'm a muslim convert who doesn't believe in making interest on money.**** And I lie because usually, the person on the other end of the line is a male, and likely not my type, at that.*****

Today, however, I received a cold-call from an overly professional and seemingly inexperienced female financial advisor type person. Being the despicable human that I am, I jumped at the opportunity to fuck****** with her, in the process of getting her off the phone. And like most things I attempt, in the process I went just a tad overboard. So without further ado, for your reading pleasure, below please find a transcript of the conversation with the woman [who I will refer to as "Jamie," because that is the name she gave me] recreated to the best of my memory. Of course, this recreation is no doubt more humorous and vile******* than the actual conversation, but since I reserved my right to employ artistic license long ago (on November 12, 1984), I'm well within the scope of what is proper.

Me, picking up the phone: "[my name]"

Jamie: Hello, this is Jamie ______ from Northwestern Mutual. Can you spare a few moments to talk.

Me: Sure I can, Jamie. What should we talk about? The weather? The government? Ever heard that REM song?

Jamie: Ahm, no, I don't think so . . . I'm an asset manager with Northwestern Mutual. Are you familiar with us?

Me: Sure, you guys cold-call me all the time.

Jamie: Oh, so are you working with a Northwestern Mutual asset manager at this time?

Me: No, Jamie, it has been some time since I've had my assets managed, by Northwestern Mutual or otherwise.

Jamie: Well are you in the market for an asset manager?

Me: I'm always in the market for a good asset manager. Unfortunately, it's hard to find one in this day and age. My mom keeps telling me to try J-date, but I'll have none of it.

Jamie: Excuse me?

Me: Nothing. Please continue.

Jamie: Ok, well, Northwestern Mutual offers numerous financial and asset management services, depending upon your needs, and the size of your assets.

Me: I'll tell you, Jaime, when I was a young man, my assets weren't so sizable. One asset manager I used named Tina used to say that I was "hung like a rabbit." But in the last 3 years or so, I swear, the size of my assets has just exploded. It's hard for some asset managers to handle my size, pun very intended.

Jamie: I'm sorry .. [brief pause] ... How long has it been since you worked with an asset manager?

Me: Oh god, lets see. Well, I don't count the one I met a few weeks ago at that bar in the meat packing district, because while she did technically "manage my assets," all she really left me with was a stained bedspread and a nasty rash. I didn't even catch her name, but I still caught her VD. So, I would have to say it's been about 6 months.

Jamie: Sir, I'm not quite sure what you are ...

Me: [interrupting] How about you, Jamie. When was the last time you had your assets managed? Let me tell you, you let me ...

[click, dial tone]

Here's the truth of the matter--it's damn hard to figure out how to get these hawkers off the phone quickly, and without actually selling you anything.******** Call me what you will--an offensive deviant, a pervert, a fucking asshole, a piece of shit, what have you--for doing it this way. I've found a way to get these people off the phone effectively, and hopefully for good. And I'm having fun in the process.

So sue me (this is not to be considered an actual invitiation to sue me. Again, I reserve all rights).



*and by "Lord of the Rings Action Figure collection," I mean more booze.

**Even though I'm usually just playing minesweeper (actually, I usually am working).

***I don't even have a sister, much less one who is married to a financial advisor

****Some muslim's actually believe that earning interest is evil.

*****Come on, I can make homo-erotic jokes every once in a while, despite the fact that I am indeed straight.

******I swore. Happy?

*******And sophmoric and stupid and rude and childish.

********Actually, the truth of the matter, of course, is that I made this whole thing up.