Behrooz to Meet You, Scene 2

If you haven't yet read scene one of my pilot script for the new sitcom entitled "Behrooz to Meet You"--a "24" spin-off staring the Araz family--I highly suggest you do so prior to reading this post--not only because it will provide you with the context within which to understand this scene, but also because it is a whole lot funnier than this one. It can be found in the "archives" from March 2005, on the right hand column a little bit down.

To re-cap, in Scene 1, Navi Araz--the family patriach--threatened to declare "Jihad" (or holy war) on their milkman, Edgar Stiles, because he continued to deliver cheese despite repeated warnings not to do so anymore. Scene 2 is a shorter scene that takes place while Navi is driving his son Behrooz to his "American school." In this scene, Navi attempts to convince Behrooz that he must kill Edgar the milkman "for the good of the cause," and also loses his temper while stuck in traffic behind an old jewish woman. So without further ado, Scene 2 of "Behrooz to Meet You."*

Characters:

Behrooz Arraz: main character, the 16 year old son of muslim terrorists

Nabih Arraz: Behrooz's hot-headed father, a one-dimensional muslim jihadist devoted to "the cause"

Dena Arraz: Behrooz's mother, also a muslim jihadist devoted to "the cause," but can also bake a mean shortcake.

Edgar the Milkman Stiles: semi-retarded milkman with a lisp

Coach Stevens: Behrooz's track coach, a husky, burly man of Swedish descent

Jack Bauer: Behrooz's mentor from the 4-H club, secretly an undercover CTU (counter-terrorism unit) agent, as well as a closeted pedophile.

Scene Two

Fade In

Navi Araz's Honda Civic, driving in traffic on the 405

Navi: Behrooz, put on your seatbelt. If you die in a car crash, you can't be martyred during the second season.

Behrooz: We're moving 3 miles an hour, father. I don't think I'm in any real danger.

Navi: Not in any real danger?!? Behrooz, we are enemies of this country, and of all those who reside in it. Stuck in traffic here, we are surrounded by dangerous, villanous enemies.

(Behrooz looks at the car to the right, driven by a fat, middle-aged woman drinking a "Big-Gulp" from 7-11. Behrooz looks to the car to the left, driven by a portly man with an ugly tie picking his nose. Behrooz looks at the car in front of them, a Pinto driven by an old Jewish woman. Behrooz sighs, and attempts to turn on the radio).

Navi: What are you doing!?!

Behrooz: Turning on the radio?

Navi: (slapping Behrooz's hand away from the radio) No, I promised Marwan we would maintain strict radio silence!

Behrooz: I think he meant that we shouldn't call him on the phone or on a walkie-talkie, not that we shouldn't listen to the radio.

Navi: Silence, Behrooz! The Koran leaves no room for interpretation.

Behrooz: But this isn't the Koran. It's the radio.

(canned laughter)

Navi: No matter. There is something we need to discuss.

Behrooz: (looking a bit pecid) Okay?

Navi: Behrooz--you must kill Edgar the milkman.

Behrooz: But father, Edgar is a nice, simple man!

Navi: You will do as you are told, without question, young man. I've been very disappointed with you lately. Two of the last three people I ordered you to execute somehow managed to escape from our basement, and your mother was forced to beat one of them to death with her iron boot when she caught him trying to crawl through her rose garden.

Behrooz: Father, he was a paralyzed Vietnam veteran and you took away his wheelchair. He had no choice but to crawl!

Navi: No, he was an infidel who tried to steal our cable box.

Behrooz: Father, he worked for the cable company and was taking the box in for repairs.

Navi: Silence!! Not another word about it. Edgar must be killed. It is for the good of the cause.

Behrooz: We already killed the rest of his family, and what good did that do?

Navi: Allah works in mysterious ways, my son. Edgar must be killed because . . . hey!!!

(Navi turns his eyes back on the road, only to notice that all the other lanes of the highway are moving except for his, because the old Jewish lady in front of him is a little slow on the accelerator)

Navi: (honking the horn incessantly) Let's go! Let's go. We don't have all day!!

(Navi turns to Behrooz)

Navi: Do you see what I mean, Behrooz. These infidel Jews, they will forever be in our way, unless we declare Jihad and smoke them out of our land.

(Behrooz rolls his eyes and turns the other way)

Navi: Behrooz Araz, don't you roll your eyes at me. If you aren't martyred during the second season, you will grow into a man and will come to understand the importance of the cause.

Behrooz: I don't even understand what the cause even is! I just want to get to school already.

Navi: I've told you before, the cause is . . . come on, lets go!! This is ridiculous. I should've known, every time we take the 405, it's bumper to bumper. I told your mother that I wanted to take La Brea, but she said there was construction near the tar pits. Behrooz, let this be a lesson to you. Never let a woman do a man's work.

Behrooz: What work did she do?

Navi: (cutting him off) Silence!

(canned laughter)

(there is a brief awkward pause, during which Behrooz tries again to turn on the radio until Navi slaps his hand away)

Navi: Enough of this. We've wasted too much time already. Now I'm late for work, and won't have time to declare jihad against your track coach if he doesn't let you run the anchor leg.

Behrooz: But I'm happy running the third leg.

Navi: No good muslim boy is ever the third leg!

(canned laughter)

Navi: We will take the service road from the next exit, and I will drop you in front of the In and Out Burger on Wilshire. You can walk from there.

Behrooz: But I'll be late!

Navi: I'm also late, and if I'm any later, Marwan will surely give me a thrashing.

Behrooz: And the crips hang out in front of that place. They'll try to rob me just like they did last time.

Navi: If they attack, you know what to do.

Behrooz: Father, it won't do anything if I declare jihad. They don't know what that is.

Navi: You will declare it, and you will like it!! Look at where our jihadist ways have gotten us!

Behrooz: You mean stuck behind an old Jewish lady on the 405?

(canned laughter)

Navi: Behrooz, when will you learn?

(Navi swerves into the right lane and passes the old Jewish lady, honking and cursing the entire time. Behrooz closes his eyes, and hopes that his girlfriend Kelly will give him another hand-job in the janitor's closet outside the girl's locker room during third period)

Fade to commercial

I know, I know, this scene wasn't all that great. Take my word for it, though, this scene was meant to not be so funny--because the next (yet to be written) scene absolutely kills, and it wouldn't be as funny if the scene before it was a hoot as well.** In Scene 3, Navi arrives late for work, and is chastised by Marwan. Meanwhile, Behrooz has lunch with his 4-H counselor, Jack Bauer, and tells him that his father wants him to kill Edgar Stiles. As always, Jack convinces him not to do it, and then tries to touch Behrooz's leg. Later, in the final scene, Navi kills Timmy Goldfarb so Behrooz can run the anchor leg, and during the race, and injects poison into Edgar the milkman Stiles' leg with a dirty hypodermic needle. Jack, of course, tries to save Edgar by giving him mouth to mouth, with toungue.*** You won't want to miss it!



*If you are a network executive considering picking up this pilot, you have serious issues and probably aren't long for your chosen career. Nonetheless, I can be reached at thisplaceisdeadanywayguy@gmail.com, or you can contact my agent at whippingboy@endeavor.com if you are really interested in paying me for being a complete and utter jackass.

**I know this makes absolutely no sense. I'm just making excuses for a poorly written scene, but I've been receiving lots of requests to write Scene 2 and wanted to do it already. If you don't like it, read my post from yesterday about Field of Dreams. Personally, I found it to be quite touching.

***In a deleted scene, Jack's daughter, played by Elisha Cuthbert, has rough, dirty sex with the author of this blog, and afterwards declares that he is "all man."