The 10 Commodements

My regular readers (and by regular, I'm referring to the consistency with which they check this site, not the consistency of their bowel movements) are well aware of my many obsessions and idiosyncracies. (did I spell that right?) For example, my unyielding need to spell things correctly. Or my compulsive hand-washing and tooth-brushing. Or my fear of stained glass windows and hollandaise sauce. If you aren't a regular reader, let me fill you in: I have an unyielding need to spell things correctly, I compulsively wash my hands and brush my teeth, and I fear stained glass windows and hollandaise sauce. Anyway, today, for your reading pleasure, I unveil to you, yet another one of my many idiosyncrasies (read: inexplicably assanine tendencies). That is, my stage fright.

No, I'm not talking about the kind of stage fright you get when you're playing "A-Rab" (one of the "Jets") in the camp production of "West Side Story," and you accidentally trip on Michael Wilson's abnormally large foot and fall off "stage left" onto a wooden bench. I'm talking about the kind of stagefright that us men (boys) get when it's time to pee. I'm not ashamed to admit it, I have difficulty taking a piss at a urinal when someone is standing next to me.* And I know that, whether you'll admit it or not, most of you do too (especially if you are a women without a penis).

There's lots of different scenarios in which I find urinating in a public urinal downright impossible. For example, I've never been able to piss in the urinals at "Hunka Bunka's" in Sayerville, New Jersey (18 to party, 21 to drink on "Ladies Night"). If you've been, you know what I'm talking about. The men's room at this place has only two working urinals, so there's a constant line out the door. And of course, everyone in the line is a Guido, and each is more Italian and connected than the next, so if you take too long, you're likely to leave the club with the imprint of a giant cross on your forehead. And the only thing Jewish mothers like mine appreciate less than their son coming home with a nativity scene imprinted on their skull, is when they date black girls.

Obviously that's an extreme example of a situation where most men would have difficulty urinating.** It's really those day to day situations that cause the real trouble. For instance, when you're in a large bathroom with more than 6 urinals, all empty, and someone comes in and takes the one right next to you. Or when there's only one urinal, but there's open toilet stalls, and someone decides to wait RIGHT BEHIND YOU for the urinal, rather than just using one of the toilets. I know that these both sound absurd, but guys know that these things happen much more frequently than you would think.

I've taken to lots of different methods to attempt to alleviate my stage fright. For a while, I would do "times tables" in my head, after a friend told me that the same part of the brain that controls urination also controls multiplication. Course, he also once told me that Tegusigalpa was the capital of Burma, NOT Honduras, so I should've known from the outset not to trust him. Sometimes I'll close my eyes while I pee. This sometimes works, but in a crowded public restroom--especially those in the Port Authority Bus Terminal--this can be a little bit unsafe. Believe me, I know, and someday, perhaps, I'll post about the time I had to pee at the Port Authority, closed my eyes, and woke up 2 days later in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet. I used to use my blackberry at the urinal, until I accidentally dropped it in at a wedding one night (don't worry, I got a replacement). And ountless are the times I've chosen to leave a public pisser and wait until the place clears out a bit, so that I can urinate in peace. Unfortunately, these have all been temporary solutions, none of which consistently work.

After thinking about this long and hard (no pun intended) for many years, I've come to the conclusion that my problem--our problem--must be tackled at the source. In true thisplaceisdeadanywayguy fashion, I've decided that the problem lies not with me, but with all other urinal users out there. I have decided that in order to cure (my) stage fright, men must be forced to abide by certain basic ground-rules when using public urinals. Months in the making, today, my fair readers, I unveil to you, the "10 Commodements":

1. Thou shalt not use a urinal directly next to one that is being used by another, if their is another open urinal available that is further away.

2. Though shalt not use a urinal directly next to one that is being used by another if there is only one other open urinal, there is no divider between the urinals, and there is at least one open toilet stall that can be used.

3. Thou shalt not wait directly behind one using a urinal, when it is the only urinal in the facility, and there is at least one open toilet stall that can be used.

4. Thou shalt not use a urinal within 2 urinals of one that is being used if the facility has more than 8 urinals, only two of which are being used at the time.

5. Thou shalt always stand close enough to the urinal such that he does not urinate on the floor.***

6. Thou shalt never speak loudly across a line of urinals to a friend on the other side, especially about matters of a perverse, sexual nature, when there is a stranger using a urinal in between you and said friend.

7. When forced to use a urinal directly adjacent to one being used by a stranger, thou shalt NEVER attempt to strike up conversation with that stranger while said stranger is attempting to begin urinating, or is in mid-stream. Converse with the stranger when he has done the deed at your own risk.

8. Thou shalt NEVER use the middle urinal when there are only 3 urinals, all of which are available. Thou shalt always use the urinal "on the end" if available, if there are 3 or more urinals.

9. To the extent possible, thou shalt otherwise always attempt to use the urinal that is farthest away from those being used.

10. Thou shalt not look down at any black man's privates while standing next to same at a urinal, because, despite your belief that for a jew, you are hung like a donkey, you'll still be put to shame. This is especially true if the man next to you is a professional basketball player.

Friends, in order to make public urinating easier for the throngs of us who face debilitating psychological and emotional urination disorders on a daily basis (in other words, me), we must abide by these rules. I implore you, learn the 10 Commodements--commit them to memory--and spread the gospel to every urinal user you know. With much practice and effort, together, we can erradicate the stage fright epidemic forever.


*I am ashamed, however, to admit that I once tried to look up my elderly and homely french teacher's skirt in 9th grade.

**I haven't been since high school, so who knows, maybe they get a different crowd now.

***Seems obvious, I know, but you'd be surprised.