The Animal Kingdom

Seems to me that animals have it much better than us humans, in a myriad of categories, including:

1. Work: Save for seeing-eye horses (see http://www.guidehorse.org/photo_page.htm) and pencil-selling chimpanzees, animals don't have jobs, unlike us humans (at least those of us who are gainfully employed). Sure, animals have to do "work" in order to survive, but this "work" consists primarily of finding food, and eating said food. Non-anorexic humans have to do this too, and all in-between spending the majority of our days stuck behind a splintery old desk pushing paper and breaking wind. And I guess animals also have to deal with that whole "escape from predators who are trying to kill and eat you" thing, but at least they don't have to do a 9 to 5 at a box factory. Sounds like more than a fair trade-off to me.

2. Dating: Animals don't need to date. They just kind of find each other and screw. Nuff said.

3. Acne: I bet that animals don't break out in the summer when the barometric pressure rises above 86.

4. Waxing: Animals don't need to get their backs waxed so they don't get referred to as "the man with werewolf shoulders" when they go to the beach. For starters, most animals likely do not go to the beach. They are too busy finding food and eating food, or not dating. Even if animals did go to the beach, it wouldn't matter if they had hair on their backs, because they are animals, and hirsute backsides are socially acceptable in the animal kingdom.

5. Sex: Of course, sex. Kind of related to the "Dating" thing, but not really. Sex for animals is much easier than it is for humans. No, I don't mean anatomically speaking. I honestly have no idea how crustaceans do the deed. What I mean is that I'm sure that the male animals don't have to buy the female animals drinks, and feign interest in their careers in the fashion industry, in order to get some. Animals just get laid as a matter of course, with no real effort. Why else do you think they call them "animal instincts."

6. Eating: Somewhat related to the whole "work" thing, but not really. Here, I'm talking about the act of eating. What I mean is this--animals don't need to have good table manners. Matter of fact, most animals (save for Gibbons) don't eat their meals at tables at all. Animals don't need to know which fork should be used for the salad, and which for the entree, because animals don't have multiple course meals--at least not in the traditional sense. Not to mention that most don't use utensils in the first place. Haven't you seen those shows on the Discovery channel about carnivores in the Serengeti? They just kind of circle around those dead antelopes and pick at their innards with their mouths. Additionaly, animals do not get chastised by their grandparents for having "animalistic" table manners and eating tendencies. Animals are not forced to take "etiquette classes" prior to their counsin Suzie's wedding to a blue-blooded goy named Ken from Nantucket.

7. Flossing: Animals don't need to floss in order to maintain good oral hygiene. Of course, then, animals don't get yelled at by their dentists for not flossing.

8. Living: Animals don't ever misplace the keys to their homes and have to call the locksmith to pick the lock on their front door. Animals don't use locks that require keys. Sure, animals are at constant risk of getting killed by hungry predators, but we've all got our problems. Why, just last week I had to replace my bathmat because of a leak in my shower.

There are loads more, I'm sure, but I ate a turkey sandwich for lunch, and am getting a bit sleepy. If you can name some, please feel free to comment.