Welcome to New York City!!!

[NOTE: Working in mid town, I get to experience, on a daily basis, the visceral pleasure of throngs of tourists clogging the streets, oggling at the billboards and the buildings, and generally getting in my way. I know I'm not the only one who often times wishes he or she could run over these packs of tourists with some sort of construction vehicle, but being a true New Yorker, I don't actually know the real names of any construction vehicles. As such, I've drafted this helpful leaflet to be distributed at all local ports of call, so that all arriving tourists are aware and advised of how to behave once they reach the big city]

Welcome to New York City! We're very happy that you've chosen to spend your vacation in our fair hamlet. Actually, that's not entirely true. In reality, we're rather pissed that you've chosen to come here. You are pesky, ignorant, and bothersome. You come from the "red" states and think that we all get abortions on a weekly basis. You don't use deodorant. You believe that "meat on a stick" is one of the 5 food groups, not realizing that there aren't even any food groups anymore, but instead, a "Food Pyramid."

Come to think of it, we're confused that you've chosen to come here in the first place. Don't you know that terrorists can and will strike at any moment. Don't you know that 2 out of every 3 people here get mugged, maimed, minced or mauled at least once a week? Don't you know that we're all crack addicts prostituting ourselves for a fix?

No, apparently you don't. Here's why: generally speaking, you are all stupid, smelly, and naive creatures who do little more than get in our way and pollute our lives with your inane accents, your affinity for taking pictures of mundane, inanimate objects, and your penchant for imbibing greasy, pedestrian foodstuffs that you could've gotten back at your local highway rest stop for half the price. We would tell you to turn right around and go back there, to spend your evenings driving from the Dairy Queen on one end of Main Street, to the drive-in at the other end, but you're already here, so you might as well stay and support our many illegal Pakistani immigrants who sell useless knick-knacks, refurbished electronics, and "I Love NY" t-shirts that you'll no doubt purchase for your entire extended family to wear all at once as you make your way through Times Square from your lunch at the Olive Garden to the George Gunderson Theatre to catch a matinee of "Guys and Dolls." Incidentally, you should know that if you do choose to turn around--and we thank you bountifully if you do so choose--for your convenience, we've created a hotline you can call, where operators are standing by to read you "pre-packaged" stories that you can tell your friends about your visit to the big city, so they will believe that you actually spent time here. After all, this is all you really care about, isn't it? If so, dial 311 on any local payphone, but be advised that the phone is likely covered with week-old hummus.

You're still here? Fine. In a sense, we respect you for being resilient and sticking around--although not that much. Truth be told, you don't know the first thing about resiliency. Try spending $2000 a month to sleep in a rat-infested "walk down" basement apartment without air conditioning or hot water. As your "ma and pa" no doubt used to say, that'll "learn ya" a thing or two about life in the trenches.

Like wild animals regarding people on Safari, we don't like the fact that you've come to our natural habitat, to try to feed us seeds and nuts while gawking at our surroundings and lifestyles. But you're here, and apparently you aren't leaving. So at the very least, please, for the love of all things good in this world, do your damndest not to get in our way. To help you in your (our) quest to make yourself as benign as possible, we've set out a number of ground rules for you to abide by in the hopefully short time you'll be visiting us. If you fail to live by these rules, New York's finest are obligated to rape you and all the adult members of your family with a wooden broomstick.

Thanks for coming to New York City!! We hope you have a wonderful time!!

1. Don't fucking feed the pigeons: Seriously, they aren't cute. They'll bite your head off if you give em the opportunity. They are rats with wings, and like members of Al Queda, deserve to be slaughtered by the masses. Relatedly;

2. Don't give money to the homeless on the streets: In reality, they are all quite well to do--even the ones with no teeth and who talk to themselves. Chances are they even make more money than you have breaking your back for the last 12 years at the old mill. But living in New York is expensive, and for some, living on the streets is the best way to save up for a down payment on that first co-op. Do yourself a favor--donate to a reputable, organized charity instead, where you know the money will be going to a good cause, and not some evil, fee-hungry co-op board. Or buy yourself a nice, big cotton candy. I don't care.

3. You are relegated to the following areas of Manhattan. Do not venture outside of these areas: Times Square, Battery Park, the financial district, Columbus Circle, Rockefeller Center, 5th Avenue (above 14th St.), Soho, and Central Park (and when in the park, never venture above 68nd St., and never, ever venture into Sheeps Meadow or the Great Lawn. Those are our places--we will know that you don't belong, and will be forced to thrash you with a ferocity that makes a doberman pincher look like a bunny rabbit in a daisy field). Relatedly;

4. Never, ever go to the Village: The area between 14th St. and Houston St., from Avenue C to the West Side Highway, is strictly off-limits (if you want to venture over to Avenue D between 14th and Houston, that's your own business. Be advised, however, that the funeral parlors in this city charge an arm and a leg, no pun intended). We don't care if you live in the Haight-Ashbury section of San Fran, or if your father was the 8th member of the "Chicago 7" and proofread the Port Huron Statement. You are not wanted in the Village. Simple as that.

5. Don't ever walk on the sidewalks more than "two people across": For some reason, you tourist people love to walk next to each other. In and of itself, this is not a problem, but for some reason, you love to walk at least 4 people across, and slowly, at that. This causes congestion on our sidewalks, because it is impossible to get by you when you walk this way. As such, you may never walk more than two across. Moreover, if you aren't walking to your desination as if you are 10 minutes late (i.e. if you are walking slowly), walk on the far right side of the sidewalk, so we can get by you and your unhealthily blubbery companions.

6. If you are entering or exiting the subway, don't ever walk more than "one across": We have no idea why you love to completely block off the subway entrances by walking next to each other, but for some reason, you do it. If you're going to use our subway system, please enter and exit one at a time, so that those of us who know that we're likely to miss the train by 5 seconds can dart past you and jump the turnstile, and not get stuck behind you while you try to cram an entire corn-dog down your throat. And never, ever, stop and stand still on the stairs. Relatedly,

7. Don't EVER just stop in the middle of the sidewalk: Please be aware that there are always people behind you, and when you stop suddenly on the sidwalk, the people behind you are forced to stop too, and attempt to get around you. If you feel the urge to stop--whether it is to take a picture of some building you find amazing because it is more than 6 stories high, or to purchase those weird candied nuts that no native New Yorkers have ever tried except when stoned out of their minds--please do so by trailing off to the right side of the sidewalk, and coming to a gradual halt. This way, us real folk can move about you and get on with our business (most likely, drug dealing).

8. Escalator Etiquette: When riding on an escalator, you have 2 choices: stand or walk. If you choose to stand, no problem. We all get lazy from time to time too. But please, for the love of god (our god, not your god), stand on the right of the escalator so that people can walk past you on the left. If you choose to walk, always walk on the left side of the escalator. Never, ever stand in the middle so as to block people trying to walk up or down past you. If you do, we will try to shove past you, so caveat emptor if you get pushed off and fall to your doom. It's not our problem, and chances are, we don't have insurance and you don't have a lawyer.*

9. Don't laugh at those "New York Fucking City" t-shirts: It's just a curse word on a t-shirt. Stop making such a big deal about it.

10. The Catch-All-- Please do everything you can not to get in our way: Seriously. Think about it--how would you feel if we came to your stupid little hometown, bought up all the moonshine and talcum powder in stock at the general store, and set up camp in the middle of the intersection of State and Main? You wouldn't like it. Why? Because we would be in your way, and you'd have a hard time driving your horse and buggy around us. Well, this is precisely what happens every time you step foot on the streets of Manhattan. You are so taken aback by the tall buildings and transvestite hookers that you don't realize that you are in a real, working city, and not some 2 bit wax museum in a dusty trailer at the county fair. Come to think of it, why don't you just stay in your hotel room for the duration of your trip. There, at least, you won't get mugged by a heroin-starved out-of-work stage actress, and you can order all the hot dogs and watch all the Spectravision you want. See, we're really just looking out for you.

So those are the basic rules. I can't guarantee that following these rules will make for the best vacation you could possibly have, but hey, you could've gone somewhere exotic, like Cancun, or Aruba, or Cheboigan, Wisconsin. You chose to come here, so deal with it. No, what I can guarantee are these 3 things:

1) Abide by these rules, and you won't get ass raped with a broomstick by a 19 year old police cadet;

2) Abide by these rules and you'll have a more "realistic" New York experience; and most importantly

3) Abide by these rules and the natives will be much happier for it, because you won't be in our fucking way.

Peter Stuyvesant might've purchased Manhattan for 26 pelts and a string of beads, but the times have changed, my ignorant tourist friends. Believe it or not, your slowness and stupidity can actually cause the cogs and wheels of this city to slow down. When that happens, it starts to cost real New Yorkers their patience, and eventually, their money. Like any good New Yorker, when this happens, we are forced to take it out--violently--on those around us. And if you're standing in the middle of the sidewalk in a large pack, looking up at the shiny, pretty buildings and wearing an "I love New York" t-shirt, this means you.


*There's equally as good a chance that the very person who pushed you is him or herself an insurance lawyer!