The Museum of Museums

People often* ask me, "hey Guy Hollerin, do you take advantage of any of the cultural attractions New York City has to offer?" To these queries, I respond by saying "if by 'cultural attractions' you mean 'alcohol, sedatives, and amphetamines,' then yes I do, a couple of times a week, except when I'm sick." Incidentally, people also often** ask me, "hey Guy Hollerin, how have you avoided the clap all these years," to which I always respond "it's a mystery to me too, but somehow jimmy's stayed clean." But that's not important right now.

Back to the point: despite my hollow protestations otherwise, in reality, I never take advantage of the many 'cultural attractions' this city has to offer. I seldom embark upon 'cultural journeys,' whether it be a trip to a museum, a trip to the opera, a trip to the ballet, or even a trip to a museum. And yes, these are the only types of 'cultural journeys' that I could actually think of (masturbation, I fear, is a journey of a different kind). Is by design that I don't take advantage of such things? Not at all--it's not like I purposely avoid "culture." Rather, I'm just the type of person who'll choose a "subway ride to a 'dirty' street fair to purchase meat on a stick" any day of the week (except Sunday, when the trains don't run as often) over a showing of "Mark Twain Tonight" starring Hal Holbrook.***

I'm not a shallow person. It's just that at this point in my life, the things I enjoy doing regularly would only be considered "cultured" in a rural Arkansan trailer-park. So despite the fact that I live in the middle of the city with arguably the most cultural attractions of any in our world," I still always end up at the same old gin-joint at the end of most nights. And personally, I have no problem with this. At least for now, I'm happy with my lifestyle. Problems do arise, however, on those few occassions a year when I am forced to spend time with elderly relatives, who grill me on every aspect of my life--for when it comes time to discuss my recreational activities, I can't exactly tell them that I spend every weekend drinking well-vodka from a plastic cup, popping pills, and staying up till 6 in the (6 in the morning) playing poker or "bedding" a Puerto Rican waitress who calls me "papi." So instead, I have to entertain (lie to) these folks by giving details of the proper, cultural activities I "enjoy" on a regular basis. Only here's the thing--I don't know the first thing about these activities. And because I have a savvy, 94 year old grandmother, I can't make up the details. That bird knows the 92nd St. Y like the back of her hand.

That's where my idea comes in: a Museum of Museums. Think about it--you don't have time to visit all the great (so they tell me) museums in this city, given your hectic binge drinking schedule. More than that, you don't even want to. But you have to be able to tell your great Aunt Ruth (and you know you have one) something that at least sounds legitimate when she asks you what you do in your free time. And one trip to the "Museum of Museums" will teach you everything you need to know about, well, our city's fine museums. In the "Museum of Museums"--to be conveniently housed in a one-bedroom basement apartment in a Murray-Hill brownstone, you will find exhibits on all the famous museums in New York--the Guggenheim, the Met, that other one where they have those famous things, and all the others. And at each exhibit, you'll learn all the important, basic facts about each, including:

-when it was built;

-the name of the rich, former slave-owning family who built it;

-when it was refurbished;

-the most important exhibits therein;

-the difference between the Incans, the Mayans, and the Aztecs;

-the location of the handicapped bathrooms and baby changing stations; and

-the food court.

Moreover, the Museum of Museums will have a gift shop where you can purchase post-cards and knick-knacks from the other museums, to give to your loved-ones to pre-empt their questioning you about cultural activities. Now, some may argue that giving these gifts will only bring on more questions, but fear not, if that is the case, you'll be wholly prepared to counter whatever they throw at you after but a single tour! And all for the low, low admission price of 15 american dollars ($15.00). After that, they'll surely think that you're the "bees knees," and not the slovenly, whiskey-hound that you're known to be--unless, of course, they ask you about the ballet, in which case, you're fucked.

So take a moment and make a (tax deducable) donation so that we can start-up the Lembeck Museum of Museums (named after Buddy Lembeck, the famed lazy, silly friend from tv's "Charles in Charge."). If you're looking for added incentive, please note that we do plan to sell narcotics out the back door, and you'll receive a coupon for discounts if you donate. Once funded, the museum will be open Wednesday through Saturday from 10:00 am to 7:00 pm, and from 10:00 am to 6:00 pm on Sundays. Children under 12 will be admitted for free, and adults are highly encouraged to take at least 3 bong tokes prior to arriving, for there won't be any lines at all.



* once, a few years ago.

** on a daily basis

*** Although I must say, this is a very bad example, because I actually did want to see "Mark Twain Tonight," and have heard great things about it ever since the 10th grade. I do, however, love that meat on a stick--despite the fact that it is never as good as you think it will be (see my post entitled "Bands Named After Geographical Locations"), and would choose that even over the birth of an illigitimate love-child.