Bi-Sexual Chocolate

Sometimes I see commercials for "Almond Joy" and its cousin candy, "Mounds," and think to myself: "Who are the ad-wizards that came up with that one?" I mean, seriously, how does it make any sense that a candy called "Mounds" DOESN'T have any nuts in it? It's like you're eatin gargonzola when it's clearly brie time. Ya know?

I cannot, in good conscience, live in a world where there is a candy that masquerades as if it should have nuts in it--both by name AND appearance--but in fact, only contains chocolate and coconut. If Mounds are supposed to be the non-nut version of Almond Joy, shouldn't they just be called "Joy." Then, Almond Joy could be the nutted version of Joy. THAT makes sense. Mounds, sir, does not.

Recently though, it struck me--Almond Joy is the "male" version and "Mounds" the female version of the candy--and if, as the slogan says, "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't," these concoctions were invented, mass-produced, and marketed exclusively to and for, bi-sexuals. Every aspect of these candies--from their to their marketing to their packaging to their fucking contents just screams AC-DC. Take a look:

1. The slogan for Almond Joy and Mounds says it all. Do I really need to go into more detail on this one? Actually, yes I do, or else this post would be way too short. So here it is--one of them, Amond Joy, like the male of our species, "has nuts," the other--the one called "Mounds" (which, incidentally, is a common nickname for a woman's VAGINA)--like the female (or post-op transexual) of our species, "don't." And Almond Joy and Mounds eaters "sometimes feel" like one or the other.

Of course, this slogan could apply equally to folks afflicted with bi-polar disorder or Swedes--who have a notorious love-hate relationship with nuts and legumes of all types--but still.

2. If you pay really close attention, you'll notice that when the singers in the commercial are singing the slogan in the jingle, it is a man that sings the phrase "Almond Joy's got nuts" while a woman then goes on after the man to sing the phrase "Mounds don't." Here again, maleness associated with Almond Joy and nuts, and femininity associated with Mounds and nutlessness and vaginas and things. And again, from what I gather, bisexual folk "sometimes feel" like [having] one or the other.

[There's also the fact that the male voice and mention of Almond Joy comes before the female voice and mention of Mounds in the jingle--sort of like how men both "come before" and "are better than" women in real life--but that doesn't really add anything to my thesis about Almond Joy and Mounds being for bisexuals, so rather than offend my female readers by even suggesting such a thing, I'll just keep it to myself and avoid any controversy]

3. Did I mention that Mounds is a common nickname for the VAGINA? Oh I did? Ok, moving on . . .

4. Almond Joy comes in a blue wrapper, Mounds in a red wrapper. Blue has been historically been associated with masculinity and strength. Indeed, men's nuts--also often referred to as "balls"--can sometimes go "blue," especially in high school as a result of an OTPHJ (over-the-pants-hand-job) in the back of the schoolbus returning from the planetarium, gone wrong. Red, on the other hand, since the dawn of time, has been associated with menstruation and bloody maxi-pads and Chevy Pintos--all things decidedly female.

5. Both candies have a hard coated chocolate exterior, but inside are filled mostly with coconut. Coconut, if you didn't know, is actually not a nut, but a fruit. Fruit, people, fruit!*

6. And finally, the kicker: the creator of both Almond Joy and Mounds? Dr. Felix Wankel, a renowned bisexual swinger from an age long past** (as well as the inventor of the rotary engine).

So give it a few minutes thought. Let it sink in. Even grab a bite of an Almond Joy or a Mounds if you like to get things going (I mean, if that's your thing--and it's totally cool if it is, free country and all, I dig it. Hey, I respect Ellen DeGeneres and Mario Cantone and Carrot Top and all that too. Really, I do. Well, ok, I don't really respect Carrot Top so much, but you get what I'm saying, right? It's that I think you should be allowed to marry ANYONE you want that isn't your first cousin). Eventually, you'll start to realize that the Almond Joy/Mounds campaign is perhaps the most ingenius marketing device since the staged marriage of Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben back in '43. Almond Joy and Mounds are bi-sexual chocolate! Bi-sexual chocolate, ladies and gentlemen.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Hah! Ad-wizards indeed.




* Please note that I have nothing at all against members of the gay or bisexual community, and hope it doesn't come off like I do, no pun intended. I just think that the genius of the Almond Joy/Mounds marketing scheme needs to be publicized, and I don't know how to do so (or do anything in life, for that matter) in a manner that doesn't appear to be in bad taste.

** NOTE: There is no actual evidence supporting the fact that Wankel was bisexual, a swinger, or the inventor of Almond Joy and/or Mounds. It is undisputable, however, that he was a fan-fucking-tastic ballroom dancer.